I wasn't really in the mood for dealing with outsiders– and leaving the island was one of the hardest things I've had to do– but I have to take my life back and this is the first step.
Step? More like a fight.
Standing in a crowd is a fight. Not fidgeting in church was a fight. Not balking at reporters is a battle. But I guess that's what its all about isn't it.
The ushers kept the press from disrupting services, but that was a fight too. They were watching me– just waiting for me to break. I almost did, but in his sermon Father Moroni reached me.
He talked about the fact that it's not for us to understand God's plan– only to live it, and that sometimes– it is our job, our duty, to fight and live. That hit home in an odd way.
After services, the congregation surrounded me... not asking questions, not out of morbid curiosity– but in support. They formed a wall between the three of us and the reporters– guiding us and protecting us from the intrusion.
I lit a vigil candle for those still stuck inside– offering up my pain and fear and finally... letting go.
Or-- at least trying to...
Case and I have gotten to spend a lot of time together lately. Its been kind of nice– well, except for the unstable, jumping at shadows and clinging to him part– but I'm getting better.
I almost lost it when we went to vigil point. The sheer number of flowers, candles, stuffed animals was overwhelming. That in and of itself was hard enough to deal with– but then there was the MP who came up to us.
As if we hadn't been ‘debriefed enough.
It wasn't until we got to where we were heading that I finally understood– the men I'd talked to, that everybody who got out got to talk to– the ones that Lee-Ann's people had talked to weren't military– they were intelligence-- corporate intelligence.
From the sound of things– they have their own agenda. No surprise there.
They just don't get it. They wanted to know about the equipment– the machines... anything I could tell them about the technology-- nothing about the people.
The military already knew what these men hadn't figured out: there is no controlling the machines– there is no way to win against Dues– just breaking even, saving one or two of its victims is going to be a major fight.
Still... that's all any of us can hope for.
Today's great trying ordeal– grocery shopping.
I really wish I could just send Case out to get them. Or Bri!... She loves seeing all those people. It is so weird– how life goes on outside.
Right now we're playing a waiting game. Waiting for contact information from Lee-Anne, waiting for the psych evaluations from Citywide, waiting for the guys from Corporate Intelligence to stop following me– waiting for the shaking to stop.
I don't do well with waiting.
Too much time to think.
I have a feeling this is going to be nothing but a roller coaster.
After a series of tests evaluating my mental stability, I've been cleared for work– desk work right now– but at least it's work. I'm slated to begin next week– just as well, since as I was leaving I saw Dwight.
He's picking me up Friday and I'm going to spend a shift in the tunnels. That's the way they're doing it. No one works too much– no one gets burnt out– at least that's the plan. I know that its not something you really can plan or prepare for, but at least it's something.
I keep trying to tell myself that you do what you can when you can and that you don't beat yourself up over what you can't do– but its hard.
Right now all I can do is worry... and think...
I stopped by missing persons today... or at least I tried to.
I managed to make it to the front desk before Saunders grabbed me up in the biggest bear hug known to man. I almost lost it then. I did start crying.
Saying it was a bit overwhelming was an understatement at the very least. The thing was– I didn't feel the least bit... crowded or trapped. If anything I felt protected.
It made me think about the people inside– and how we have to get them out. I know all too well what happens if you stay in too long... and even a day-- is too long in my book.
I was tense all day, waiting for Dwight to show up.
He never did.
After all this build up– all the waiting and then... nothing.
I don't know if I was relieved or disappointed. I do know– I'm worried.
And yesterday I was worried...
Dwight called me at about 0200 this morning and the next thing I know I'm on a late night odyssey through the streets of Seattle and the underground.
It was raining, and the water on the road only seemed to reflect back the night. We never made it to the meeting location– the corporate team assigned to watch me was too good.
It seems they've been watching Dwight as well. I don't know what to think.
They tried to subpoena me back into their security offices– but they didn't have the jurisdiction– and again– I'm well enough known that they can't just make me disappear. Notoriety has its advantages I guess.
On the bright side– I'm annoyed... annoyed and angry. It's a lot better than defeated and scared– believe me.